Fick dich, Schicksal. Oder: Warum ich ein Verräter bin.

Und wie läuft das so weiter, unser Leben?

Wie ist das denn eigentlich so, wenn der erste Schock vorüber ist?
Wenn der Alltag – ob man will oder nicht- wieder über einen hinwegrollt.
Wie ist das, wenn deine Schwester ihren Mann verliert. Wenn deine Nichten ohne Papa aufwachsen.
Und vor allen Dingen, wie fühlt sich das an, wenn es -fernab von diesem großen Verlust-
bei dir im Alltag gerade eigentlich  ziemlich gut läuft? Viel besser als die letzten 3 Jahre?

Hier ein paar Gedanken von mir.

Tim.

Seit du weg bist ist alles anders. Und doch irgendwie gleich.
Ich meine.. Ich sitze am Küchentisch und notiere mir im Kopf, dass ich beim nächsten Einkauf unbedingt noch an die Butter denken muss.
Ich sitze malend über den Zeichenblock gebeugt und frage mich, ob sich lila mit orange beißt oder doch eine ausgesprochen gute Idee ist.
Ich rege mich über die blöde Kassiererin auf.
Ich schminke mich, rede über Erziehungsmethoden, verschiebe Möbel hin und her.
So wie fast jeder andere draußen. Alles wie immer.
Und dann küsse ich meinen Freund, spüre Schmetterlinge im Bauch und WUMMS, kriege ich voll eine gescheuert.

Von mir selber.
„Wie kannst du jetzt glücklich sein, während deine Schwester mit gebrochenem Herzen zu Hause sitzt und irgendwie versucht, weiterzumachen?“
„VERRÄTER.“
Ich weiß, dass ich glücklich sein darf. Ich weiß, dass ich mein eigenes Leben nicht einschränken kann.
Aber es fühlt sich oft einfach so unfassbar falsch an.

Meine Familie ist einfach ALLES für mich. Besonders meine Geschwister.
Ohne die kann ich einfach nicht sein. Und Ich will nicht, dass meine Schwester Witwe ist.
Ich will Tim nochmal sehen. Ich will, dass Mia und Emmi abends von Papa vorgelesen bekommen. Ich will, dass Tim Mia nächstes Jahr mit Schultüte und Zahnlücke sieht.
Ich will mich mit ihm prügeln und dumme Insider hin und herwerfen. Ich will die beiden auf ihrer Sommerhochzeit tanzen sehen.
Mit roten Köpfen, weil sie beide nicht tanzen können und es hassen, im Mittelpunkt zu stehen.

Ich will einfach, dass alles so ist, wie es war..
Ach Maggy. Ich will nicht, dass sich Zeitungen über deine dramatische Geschichte reißen. Ich will dich nicht leiden sehen.
Ich will, dass glücklich bist. Ich will nicht, dass du weinst.

Und dann hör ich mich dumme Dinge zu dir sagen. Holprige Aufmunterungsversuche oder ein dummer Witz. Und du lachst und alles ist wie immer.
Aber irgendwann fahr ich auch wieder weg oder lege auf. Und dann muss ich dich alleine lassen mit deiner Traurigkeit und deinem gebrochenen Herzen. Ich kann einfach nichts tun. Und das macht mich fertig.

Und jedes bisschen Glück über meine eigene kleine Familie wiegt so unfassbar schwer.
In Momenten, wenn es besonders gut bei mir läuft, fühlt sich alles so falsch an. Ich fühle mich wie eine Verräterin.
„Warum darf ich das alles haben und du nicht?“
Und welcher blöde Sausack hat eigentlich dieses Drehbuch geschrieben?

Ich weiß, dass dieser Text weh tut oder vielleicht nicht angebracht ist.
Aber ich will einfach nicht, dass diese Geschichte, die meiner Schwester ist.

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312 Comments

  1. Melli
    12. September 2017 / 22:26

    Wunderschön geschrieben! Dein Text hat mich zu Tränen gerührt! Es tut mir unfassbar leid was ihr durchmachen müsst!

  2. Lena
    12. September 2017 / 22:29

    Oh Gott das hat mich jetzt total aus der Fassung gebracht..das hast du so treffend geschrieben, ich glaube mir würde es genauso gehen. Auch wenn ich nicht mal annähernd eine Vorstellung habe wie schrecklich das alles für euch sein muss…es tut mir so unendlich leid für Maggy und die Kinder und natürlich auch für alle anderen, die um Tim trauern. Ich kann nichts machen außer euch gute, positive Gedanken zu schicken und mir bei jeder Sternschnuppe zu wünschen dass es für Maggy und die Kinder auch wieder bergauf geht…das Schicksal ist ein mieser Verräter, aber nicht du Lene! Von Herzen alles Liebe ❤️ Liebe Grüße lenividivici

  3. Lisa
    12. September 2017 / 22:30

    Ich weine mit euch. und um Tim.

  4. Merle
    12. September 2017 / 22:31

    Oh wow. Ein wunderschöner Text. Schwer, voller Sorgen, voller Kummer. Aber doch wunderschön. Liebe Lene, ich wünsche Euch weiterhin ganz viel Kraft.

  5. Josefine L.
    12. September 2017 / 22:57

    Wieder geweint, dabei kenn ich euch eigentlich gar nicht. Fühlt euch gedrückt aus Nordhausen ❤

  6. Annika
    12. September 2017 / 22:58

    Das ein Text einer fremden Person einen so berühren kann… Sehr schön geschrieben, es hat mich zu Tränen gerührt und eine Gänsehaut bereitet😢
    Ich denke oft an euch! ❤️

  7. Marina
    12. September 2017 / 22:59

    viel kraft euch!

  8. Nici
    12. September 2017 / 23:54

    Das Schicksal ist ein mieser Verräter, nicht du 😢

    Haltet fest zusammen ❤️

  9. steffi
    13. September 2017 / 0:24

    wie schön, dass ihr einander habt. es ist immer wieder unbegreifbar, wie sehr diese fremde situation einen so mitnimmt.
    auch ich sitze hier mit den tränen und wünsche euch und insbesondere maggy nur das beste.
    das beste, was man aus dieser beschissenen situation nur machen kann.

  10. Sarah
    13. September 2017 / 9:02

    Titel hätte auch „Brief an meine Schwester“ heißen können. Schön …

  11. Ninamittendrin
    13. September 2017 / 9:36

    Ach Fuchs… Damit hast du mich echt zum weinen gebracht. Ich kann deine Gefühle so gut nachvollziehen und ich hoffe, dass dein Post auch Maggy hilft, irgendwie. Wirklich blödes Drehbuch.

  12. Schässi
    13. September 2017 / 10:32

    Auch hier sitzt jmd und heult über deine Worte. Das hast du echt drauf. Ein Gefühl mitgeben verpackt in verfickt ehrliche Worte!
    Und auch ich bin schockiert über den Schicksalsschlag deiner Familie, nehme Anteil und wünsche euch, dass das Herz bald wieder gefüllt wird mit Liebe und Licht und weniger weh tut…
    Aber weißt du was, alleine das da jmd wie du sitzt und diesen Text schreibt, dass ihr euch habt als Gescheister, dass deine Schwester nicht ganz alleine da steht…das ist ein riesengroßer Schatz. Ich kenn euch nicht, aber ich bin sicher ihr werdet in hegen und pflegen!
    Von Herzen alles Liebe…

  13. 13. September 2017 / 12:24

    Lene, Du hast es so unfassbar gut in Wort gefasst, wie man sich fühlt. Mir geht es mit Mama genau so. Nur dass ich zusätzlich noch weiß, dass sie eben komplett alleine da zu Hause in diesem Haus sitzt. Tag ein, Tag aus. Meine Mutter ist stark, hat viele Freunde und Interessen aber dennoch zermürbt einen das Alleinesein natürlich. Gerade wenn man seinen gesamten Alltag inkl. des Arbeitslebens miteinander verbracht hat, für über 30 Jahre.

    Mich macht das fertig. Oft sogar viel mehr, als der Tod meines Vaters. Weil ich einfach immer will, dass es allen gut geht um mich herum und ich schmerzlich erkennen muss, dass das nicht geht. Dass ich Mama nicht die Last nehmen kann, nicht mal ein bisschen Schmerz.

    Beinah von der ersten Sekunde an habe ich mir gewünscht, dass Sie schnell jemand neuen findet, einfach damit dieses fürchterliche Gefühl bei mir aufhört. Und mich dann wieder geärgert, weil dieser Wunsch so egoistisch und idiotisch ist.

    Dass mein Leben hier glücklich(er denn je) weiter geht, während meine Mama seit drei Jahren jeden verfluchten Scheiß Tag kämpfen muss, das macht mich ganz furchtbar traurig und ruft Schuldgefühle in mir hervor. Nicht mehr so ausgeprägt wie zu Beginn, aber doch stetig. Ich schäme mich oft, mit Marius z.B. draußen Hand in Hand zu laufen oder ihn zu küssen, weil ich das Gefühl habe, Mamas Schmerz sofort spüren zu können. Verstehe also sooo gut was Du meinst.

    Scheiß verdrecktes Kack-Drehbuch, echt!

  14. 13. September 2017 / 14:05

    Ein wirklich sehr berührender Text voller Liebe. Ich denke, der Text ist Ausdruck deiner Hilflosigkeit. Du willst deiner Schwester helfen, aber wie. Und genau solche Texte, kann ich mir vorstellen, helfen ihr. Der Text ist ehrlich, so ehrlich, und man liest deine Liebe zu deiner Schwester ebenso heraus wie deine Hilflosigkeit.

  15. 15. Oktober 2017 / 22:33

    Ich lese Deinen Bericht erst jetzt. Keine Ahnung, warum. Aber ich musste erst mal schlucken. Dein Text trifft mitten ins Herz und beschreibt es so genau. Und dann ist da noch etwas wunderschönes. Diese Geschwisterliebe, die stärker als alles andere ist. Die Schulter, an die man sich immer anlehnen kann. Das ist so schön.

  16. Rike
    31. Oktober 2017 / 13:03

    Ich kenne diese Gedanken leider viel zu gut. Auch meine Schwester musste vor drei Jahren ihren Partner und Vater ihres noch ungeborenen Kindes beerdigen. Und ich habe mich mit genau den Gefühlen und Gedanken herumschlagen müssen (bzw. tue ich das noch immer), mit denen du es nun zutun hast. Es ist so unfair und schwer zu begreifen. Das Leben ist manchmal wirklich ein mieser Verräter… Aber nicht du. Du tusst für deine Schwester, was du kannst. Du kannst die Dinge nicht ungeschehen machen, nur deine Zeit, deine Schulter und dein Ohr anbieten. Und habe bitte niemals ein schlechtes Gewissen, weil du gerade glücklich bist. Ich glaube, so schlecht es deiner Schwester auch gehen mag, sie würde niemals wollen, dass du unglücklich bist, nur weil sie es ist. Also genieße die schönen Momente. Das ist etwas, was ich seither auch viel bewusster tue. Man weiß schließlich nie, wann der nächste Einschlag kommt…

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  18. Katja
    27. November 2017 / 22:03

    Liebe Lene. So tolle Worte für die Gefühle, die ich auch habe und haben werde. Wir stehen am gleichen Gleis. Unsere Geschwister haben einfach den fuck ihres Lebens bekommen. Unbekannt geherzt 🖤

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